Monday, July 25, 2011

The Grinch and Her Heart

My heart is filled with more love and more compassion than I had ever dreamed was possible.
I describe my self as sometimes negative, selfish, and cynical.  Ya' know some of  my greater attributes.
But just like the book How the Grinch Stole Christmas....
"The Grinch's heart was 2 sizes to small..."


".........and then it grew 3 sizes that day." 


This is me, my heart grew.
and it keeps growing.
Here is where the story began of the day my heart grew 3 sizes.....

It was a Thursday.  February 3rd  2011.
It feels like yesterday when my sweet little baby boy came into this world. 
Not because he decided it was time, but because that was the day of the scheduled c-section. 
So more like....he was evicted.  and he was not happy about it at all, as I'm sure
most babies aren't. 
I wish I could say we instantly bonded and fell in love, like I had always pictured.
But this is more like how it went.....
I heard the doc say, now your going to feel pressure, we are going to push on your belly and pop him out.
"Ok" I nervously said, behind the curtain.
Tears filled my eyes and I was completely overwhelmed when I heard his little (might I add)....very loud cry as they delivered him. 
They whisked him over to the warmer and began to suck fluid from his lungs by sticking a long
tube down his throat as he gagged and coughed.
My first of many I am sure, helpless mommy moments, where all I could do was watch
and know that it was for his own good.
Then they brought him over to me and I got to say hello and kiss his little face before
they hurried him off to the nursery, and his Daddy of course followed.
I told him do not let him out of your sight no matter what!!
I waited for.... it felt like days....about an hour and a half before they brought him up to me in recovery. 
I probably called Scott 10 times asking him when are they coming and if everything was okay.
But once I got this tiny little stranger in my arms, I looked at his closed little sleeping eyes and.....

I didn't feel anything.
He didn't even look like us.
Are you sure this one is mine?  I thought.
So naturally I am wondering "what in the world is wrong with me???!!!!"
Do I not love my baby???
I am a terrible mother!!
I have heard of this happening to people.
I am assuming this was one of the side effects of the morphine used in the spinal because I felt emotionally numb, and I recognized that almost right away..... and so I just waited.
I waited for the emotion to fill up within me.
and it did.
I didn't sleep at all the first night.... well I didn't sleep much the entire 4 days I was in the hospital.
I felt like a zombie, but I didn't care.  Sleep wasn't important to me like it once was. 
Nothing at all was for that matter.
I watched every move....
every sound....
every breath.
I wanted to sleep with my eyes open and watch him all at the same time.
So on the second night after almost having convinced myself that was entirely possible,
it was time for some much needed sleep.
I was brave enough to have the nursery take him for a whopping 3 hours so I could get some rest.
They took him at midnight, and I asked that they bring him back at 3 am. 
During my very brief snooze, I awoke and looked at the clock....2am. Ugh.
Okay 1 more hour I can do this. I closed my eyes and forced myself back to sleep.
Then at 2:50am I woke up SOBBING!!  (Which is a first for me; not a normal occurrence in my life anyway)
I missed my baby I wanted him back, and I was sure they were letting him cry all alone in the nursery
and no one was paying any attention to him. 
I grabbed my robe and walked (fast as I could after just having my belly stitched up) toward the nursery, sure to catch those mean ol' nurses in the act- ignoring my sweet innocent little baby....
while they chatted away over coffee.
and as I turned the corner- just what I suspected!!!  Well....maybe not. 
I almost collided with the nurse pushing him in his little hospital basinet, on her way to my room. 
.....and there he was newly clothed and swaddled tight with his (seemingly) giant pacifier in his little mouth, sound asleep.
He was okay. Sleeping soundly and peacefully infact!!!
Much to my surprise.
This is just one more time that I would check on him, the 1st of many hundreds of times, and he would be okay.
All of the fear, all of the what if's, all of the I know's, left my body and there we were, slowly, quietly and blissfully enjoying our walk back to the room.
Marveling at how completely in love and in awe I was of this tiny human......
and how quickly and furiously he had changed my little world.
Forever.

"When you are in love you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."

~Dr. Suess

xoxo,
Misty Marie

4 comments:

  1. Awww! Such a well written honest post! He's a cutie!

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  2. Another beautiful piece, Misty! You give other moms permission to be real, and in doing so, permission to describe the evolving expression of Love. Bravo!!

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  3. Oh my gosh! Thank you for sharing that experience. It was so heartfelt. I really enjoyed it. xoxo

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  4. Your words touch my heart! xoxoxo

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