Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Letters To Myself

Since I am trying to stay in the present moment, I don’t want to say: this week, or this month.
So I will stick to right now. 
Right now things are tough for me, and I don’t always like to admit it.
I am good at pretending everything is okay when its not. 
I don’t really like that about me, but its part of me so I try to embrace it when I can.
Somedays….. like yesterday, I let my mind get the better of me, and it takes me hostage.
I tell myself that everything is wrong, and its NEVER going to get better, I am not good enough,
and I am not doing it right.
Here is the truth: I am having trouble managing my finances.
There I said it.
It doesn’t feel liberating….
Yet.
It doesn’t feel good at all.
I’d rather eat glass than admit to that.
But part of the reason I started writing again was to share honestly my thoughts and my life with people.
No one ever said it would be easy, but it they said it would be worth it.
I can’t see that part of it right now.

Courtesy of: Pinterest

But I am holding  on to the belief that it will be beneficial at some point.
What do I do when I have trouble with something…..
I buy a book. 
Yep, I do. 
I have lots of books on lots of different things, that usually reflect the time in my life
that it was purposeful. 
But this time I didn’t buy a book.
I didn’t really do anything for awhile but complain.
But, I have purchased a web tutorial from the Daily Om
Fabulous website by the way, very up lifting,  inspiring, and positive, they send me daily affirmations, which I seldom read because  they are usually pretty long.
But every so often I will read them and it’s always just what I needed to hear at that moment.
So the tutorial I purchased is called Heal Your Money Karma
Oh,  have I started it?
Of course not!
I bought it months ago, and it sits there.
Maybe one day I will start it.
……and so goes the way in which my thoughts run away with me,
I should have finished that by now.
I don’t do enough laundry.
I eat out too much.
I should  get organized.
My closet is a mess.
I should fit into my size 5 ‘s by now.
I should  exercise more.
If I looked like her, or had her (body, legs, style, hair) then I would be beautiful.
Courtesy of: Pinterest
I should have  finished my Real Estate course by now, I am a slacker.
I should go to bed earlier.
I should  wake up earlier.
I forgot something important at work….
I am a bad employee and I know I am going to get fired.
(Since having a baby, I have  acquired a mild case of Alzheimer’s,
 seriously I can’t remember squat!!!)
I should have more date nights with the husband.
I need to make more of an effort to be on time, to…… ANYWHERE.
I am always late, to EVERYTHING, yes even work.  It’s a wonder I still have a job.
I should be more patient with things, people, life, etc.
I am a bad mom because my son is in daycare, instead of being home with me.
I am selfish because I forget people’s birthdays.
If I managed my money better, I would always be able to buy people gifts.
My credit cards should be paid off by now.
I shouldn’t have spent money on that.
I should have spent money on this.
I eat too much cheese.  (Random, I know)
My son doesn’t have enough <insert whatever it is for that day> playtime, clothes, toys,
 time with Mom & Dad, and he watches to much tv.
Yes he is almost 8 months old and he has watched cartoons since he was 2 months old......
 and I don’t care!!
He loves them.

I could go on, but you get the point.
That being said…..
 Someone whom I admire for her courageous  strength, and  grace suggested
I write a self esteem letter.
I can’t think of a better time than now to do so.
She said “Would you say all those bad things you say about yourself, to one of your friends?”
“No never, that would be horrible” I said.
“Then why is it okay to say them to yourself?” She asked.
“Oh.”  Is all I could reply.
So here is what I would say to myself;  as if I were talking to a friend:


Courtesy of: Pinterest


Dear Misty,

I think you  are so very wonderful exactly the way you are.  Nothing needs changing or fixing for you to be yourself.  You already are.  You are kind, you are thoughtful, you are loving.  You emanate these with your thoughtful and kind gestures toward others.  You are sensitive and compassionate  with  peoples feelings.  You always have been.  Even as a child, you always felt for the kids who got picked on and tried to stick up for them.  You are beautiful right now.  Nothing outside can make you this way, it comes from within.  You area good organizer.  It’s always been one of your great habits.  You always make an effort to keep the house clean. Your son is happy, and healthy, and he always has everything he needs.  You are a good mom, you are cautious, gentle, sincere, and patient.  You do “what it takes” to get things done, regardless of if you want to or not.  You are kind to strangers.  You always try to do your best.  You are creative and intelligent, and other people matter to you.  You have values, morals, and beliefs today.  You are loyal.  You make dinners that are good and choose healthy foods for your family.  You  ALWAYS so delicately  fold your baby’s clothes and put them away instead of tossing them in his drawers, and that is really sweet.   The environment is important to you, so you choose eco friendly products.  You recycle.  You don’t litter. You stay up late to fold laundry and pack lunches.  You buy cruelty free products because you care about animals.  You can see both sides of the coin, and you try hard not to take sides.  You have a big heart.  You want everyone to always feel included.  You hurt when other people hurt.  You are forgiving and understanding.   You want others to succeed.    You see beauty in everyone.   You are a loyal friend, and you keep your word.  You are gentle with peoples hearts.  You encourage people to be brave.  You enjoy being of service to others, and all of the many forms that may take.  Give yourself a break, you deserve everything good that comes to you, because that is what you give. 

Wow.
That was hard.
I feel like the I should list was easier.
I had to think a little more  about these.
That’s what its like when I live in my head, instead of in my heart.
Sometimes it so easy to see the bad, and so hard to accept the good.
To really believe and feel like I deserve all things good.
Because I always feel like I could or should be better.
I guess that’s what makes me, me.  
I am willing to try and let go a little….
In hopes that it will all work out….
because it always does.
To accept what is, and to know, I am doing my very best I can this day.
EVERYTHING doesn’t have to be done right now.
Sometimes cuddling , watching  tv, and having ice cream  is more important.
and......
All that other stuff can wait.

Courtesy of: Pinterest
Love,

Misty

2 comments:

  1. That's really fantastic Misty. It is not easy for anyone to express what you wrote, and it really makes me think about how fortunate we all are if we just look around. It is perspective, isn't it? And why do we always think we must be perfect? Aren't the imperfections in a tree what make it unique and beautiful? or the or a puppy that has one ear up and one down adorable?

    Thank you for sharing such deep and wonderful, thought provoking perceptions.

    <3

    Judy

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  2. WOW WOW WOW! Loved this post! There were so many things you said that touched me. First of all, I'm very proud of you- that you released your fear around financial insecurity out into the universe. Who knows what will happen there as a result? And thank you for saying all of the things that go round and round in my head too- the SHOULDS! My sponsor wants me to eliminate that word from my vocabulary completely! And finally, your self esteem letter: I'm so happy you did it! Its hard, isn't it? But you wrote such a beautiful letter to yourself and its all the truth! Isn't that amazing?! And you're right- sometimes snuggling on the couch eating ice cream is the most important thing: its being in the moment. Love you!!! Thanks so so so much for sharing this!

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