Friday, December 21, 2012

The Bigger Picture

Sometimes I look back at my old posts, and cringe. 
Either because I think I said too much or sounded lame.
But that's where I was at that point in my life, and I wrote about it how I was experiencing it at the time, and that's what it looked like, sometimes embarrassingly enough. 
I often want to delete past posts, but I won't, it reminds me of where I was, and where I am now.
Scott had his surgery, the first couple of weeks were pretty rough, I won't lie.
He couldn't really get up off the couch, and slept in the recliner a couple of days in a row.
He was in a lot of pain, and doesn't do well with having people wait on him.
He is pretty self sufficient and likes to do it himself, typical man right?
But I tried my best to play nurse, and keep him off his feet as much as possible.
One of the days of  my incessant nagging....I realized, I am not the boss of him.
He has his own path, and it doesn't have anything to do with me, so I had to let go.
Let go of my fear and all the what ifs, and if he doesn'ts, and trust this process.
The process that didn't make any kind of sense,
and nothing good would come of it, I was sure.

I heard someone say the other day that they were like a vase that had broken into pieces...
and that God picked up the those pieces and glued them back together.
and this time God put his light inside.
And where does God's light shine the brightest?
Through the cracks. 
Its through these times of pain and misunderstanding, that I am rebuilt.
That I become more grateful.
That I can see.
See the bigger picture.
The plan this time, was that because of his injury, he was able to spend more time at home...
More time with Logan.
Time they were able to spend that strenghthened their relationship as Dada and son.
He took him to school and picked him up everyday.
He took him to the park and played everyday after school.
Dinner was ready when I got home from work.
Logan had his dinner, the dishes were done, the house was clean.
I had finally gotten the break I had so desperately wanted.
A chance to breathe.
To relax, to not feel like I was always doing everything all the time non stop.
TWO whole months!!!
It was wonderful.
And  I even remembered to enjoy it.
I got home from work and all i had to do was snuggle with my baby bird.

Now fast forward....
Scott has been back at work since December 3rd, and back to reality.
It was nice having a wife.. LOL!!
I wish I had better report, but I still completely suck at time management.
I wake up at 7:30am and rush around to get myself and Logan ready, and dash out of the house at 8:30, take him to school, and jump on the freeway
hopefully in time to make it to work by 9:30.
Then I get home so late, and its a mad rush to figure out dinner, get him in the bath, watch his ni-nite cartoons, and put him to bed. 
Which is my absolute most favorite time of the day by the way.
We have a new routine now that he is big... in his big boy bed and everything!
I get him snugly in his jams, and he sits on my lap in his recliner, lights off, and we watch Baby Einstein Lullaby's.
And that's when I unwind....
I smell his hair
squeeze chubby hands,
rub his baby knees.
And think to myself, how blessed I am...
to have a nice quiet home...
a happy healthy child......
and everything I could possibly need.
After I tuck him in and sneak out, the chaos continues...
and I have no idea what else I do sometimes, but literally buzz around the house
until 10 or 11 o'clock at night.
Its like I cannot go to sleep unless every last toy and sock are picked up off the floor.
Its bad.
Like- ridiculous.
So tonight I am not doing it.
I am looking forward to picking up dinner....
and doing nothing but snuggling on the couch, and watching a movie with my babe.
Because it has been literally weeks, since I have sat on my own couch for more than a half hour, and stayed there.


"Love is all you need"  
~ The Beatles

Love, Misty

Sunday, September 30, 2012

turning over my will

It has been an interesting month to say the very least.
"I am too busy"  "I am so tired" and "I don't have time" are my go to sayings these days.
But that's how I feel.
Overwhelmed with life, one day at a time.
My son turned a whopping 19 months old, Scott and I had our 33rd birthdays, 
and we celebrated 5 years of being married.
Much to celebrate, and much to be grateful for.
But things happen.
Things that cloud my ability to see the silver lining.
We were in the process of working with a lender to secure a loan for our future home-
when Scott inured his knee at work.
He has had many trips to the doc, scans, MRI's, and X-rays.
It has been determined that he will need reconstructive surgery, since he tore all 3 tendons in his knee.
He will be out of work for 4-6 weeks.
His pay will only be partially covered by workers comp funds, 
then I overshot the budget for this month, so we are in the red.
Now I have more financial fear than I can handle at the moment.
To add to my already fragile state.....
My Uncle suffered a massive heart attack while on vacation, and the week after my 9 year old niece had a seizure before she was about to leave for school.
At which point I said... I cannot take one more injury or crisis.
Oh and then!!!  Logan has decided to wake up at the crack of dawn every morning 
(4am for the record) for the past 2 weeks, and doesn't always want to go back to sleep,
he now protests each and every diaper change, so he wiggles and whines 
during the entire process,
he has a new obsession with pens and anything else other than toys,and writes on everything including himself.
in addition to this mischief he takes every single spoon he can reach out of the kitchen drawer, and will unravel the entire roll of toilet paper when he gets the chance,
he also enjoys munching on q-tips he finds in the bathroom trash.
I have taken on a majority of the housework and caring for Logan 
since Scott hurt his knee.
To add to my misery, my morning commute takes me an hour or more and 
I am lucky if I make it home before 6pm.
So when I say there is no time, and I am so busy and tired.
Its a pretty true statement.
It's hard.
Very hard.
I lose my patience,
I feel like giving up,
I get angry,
I whine,
I complain,
I don't understand!!!
This was not my "plan"
(Laughing out loud)
But such is life.
John Lennon once said "Life is what happens while you are busy making plans" or something like that.
and LIFE sure has gotten the better of me these days.
But recently I was asked to keep in mind this juicy question:
How do I turn my will and life over to the power of God as I understand him,
and just what does that look like?
What a perfect question and what impeccable timing.
Well, sometimes it looks like surrender.
And other times it looks like protest.
But most of the time it looks like and feels like this:
Moments that are clearly out of my control, I have this obsession to try and control them, as if I have the power to change it, when most of the time I don't, but it doesn't stop me from trying.
So turning my will and life over, is simply my ability or inability for that matter, to let go
to let things be as they are without protest.
To remember, this moment is exactly as it should be.
Because while in protest or self will, I am not kind, I am not loving, 
and I am surely not helpful.
I am not the person I want to be when I am trying to make things go according to the plan.
Like at this very moment, like RIGHT NOW!!
Scott has just asked to use the computer in the middle of my very private 
very personal writing time.
How dare he??!!  (I know)
Because he wanted to update his iphone.
Which he did not back up the pictures by the way, and lost them all when they were restored to factory settings.
Its not even my phone, and I was furious.
You idd!!!  (Short for idiot we say idd) 
What do you mean you didn't back them up first??!! What is wrong with you??!!!
Yeah that just happened.

Anyways, back to my story...
Turning my will over can also looks like this:
Trusting that all of these things are happening according to a bigger plan that I am not able to see at the moment.
And that all these things must happen in order to achieve the greater good.
The universe does not work against me, ever.
I know that in my greatest times of struggle, is when I grow the most.
Because there is no better feeling than hanging on, and making it through.
It gives you strength, wisdom, and hope for next time.
Amidst this craziness, I have managed to take some time for myself,
and read,
call a friend,
write a letter,
I even made it to bed early a few nights in a row (which for me is before 10 o'clock)
and sometimes the best I can do is just an extra long hot shower.
The little things I do to preserve my sanity are what keeps me going.
They may not be big things yet, but I am working on it.
Taking more time to myself to do....whatever.
Because I can't give it away if I ain't got it.

I will leave you with some inspiration...
courtesy of Pinterest
Pinterest is the shiz y'all.  If you haven't yet, check it out....


Misty Marie

Monday, July 30, 2012

The Mom I thought I'd Be

When ever I would imagine myself as a Mom, 
I couldn't help but think of all the things I would or wouldn't teach them.  
Things I wouldn't let them do, things I would NEVER do,
and dreamed of the kind of Mom I thought I would be.  
Let me just start by saying, my sincerest apologies to all those who told me 
before I had a child..." You don't have kids, you don't understand." 
I was always so offended.  How dare you insult my intellect??!!
I know a lot about they should behave, what they should eat, 
how much tv they should watch... Why??  Because I read a lot.  
I mean A LOT.  Article after article, excerpts from books, 
I watched shows and documentaries.  
I knew exactly the kind of Mom I would be, 
and it would be easy too.
Children should speak only when spoken too. 
If they don't eat the dinner I cook, they go to bed hungry.
My kid will never throw a fit in public...and if he does, my evil eye alone 
will scare him into shape.
They may only watch one of hour of tv a day.
They will never eat chicken nuggets.
They will never play in those germy public play areas.

Well, it's safe to say that just about every thing I have ever judged another Mom for doing, I have been faced with having to make the same decision myself, 
and I did not choose the path I always thought I would. 
I have spent many a day cooking 4+ meals for my Logan who decided 
he didn't like anything anymore.
He has had meltdowns in public, and I didn't turn 10 shades of red 
like I had always pictured...
I scoop him up, hold him close, I tell him its okay and kiss his squishy cheeks. 
He watches Mickey Mouse everyday.  
On a bad day...all day.  Whatever it takes to settle him.
I fed him chicken nuggets, one of the many times I made him 4+ meals in attempt 
to get him to eat something. 
He loves the play place at the mall, I have even caught him 
chewing on other children's shoes. 

See, what I didn't know was, that a lot of parenting (for me) is purely instinctual. 
I know my kid, and most of the time I know what he wants, what he needs,
and why he is upset. 
I make decisions based on how I feel, and often ask does this feel right?
Sounds crazy but it works.
Because all the parents who told me I didn't understand, were right. 
I didn't understand.  
I had no clue.  
How could I?
I didn't understand until I had my own.  
On the day he was born, and they put him in my arms, 
he melted the ice right off my heart.
I don't look at children the same way anymore. 
I don't hear a screaming toddler and think, what a brat!  
Her parents must not discipline her enough. 
My heart gets heavy, because she probably missed her nap, and is over tired.
I have those aha moments from time to time.....
They remind me to be accepting and tolerant of others and the choices they make. 
It might not be what I would do, but then again it just might, 
that is what always seems to surprise me.

Here are some of my own, less than perfect Mommy  moments:
Pants all wet from playing in the water fountain, trying to eat stuff off the floor in the kids play area at the L.A. Zoo
Having some tasty flowers for a snack

At the beach on a chilly day, with only a diaper, trying to eat sand crabs.

Caught him playing in the trash, here he has coffee grounds all over his face. 

Mommy let him run around Costco with no shoes!!

There is no one size fits all way to raise a child.
Only the one that works best for you. 
And I don't live in your shoes, so who am I to say what that should or shouldn't be.
Us Mom's need to stick together, this parenting stuff isn't easy. 
Anytime I can encourage another Mom, and tell her how great of a Mom she is, I will.
There is no better compliment in the world than hearing that you are a good Mom.
That's all any of us want to hear.
So, I have made a promise to myself to make a big effort to remember this post each and every time I encounter one of those..."I will never...." moments.  

"There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one"
 ~ Jill Churchill



Thursday, June 7, 2012

Just for Today

Sometimes I just I want him to stay small forever.
I miss all the things about him when he was so tiny.
his baby smell,
how he could sleep anywhere at anytime,
the way his whole body would fit on one arm,
Numerous middle of the night wake up calls...which still happen by the way.
I couldn't wait for him to wake up in the middle of the night so I could snuggle him...
Because when he was so new, I missed him when he slept. 

thought by 16 months old, he would be sleeping through the night....
16 months old and I still feed him a bottle every night before bed.
We have our little ritual...
first he has a bath...
I get him all snug in his jammies, he gets his monkey blanket,
we get cozy on my bed with all the pillows,
I cradle him like a newborn....
stare at his gorgeous, tired blue eyes,
kiss his nose and his soft round cheeks
and pinch his chubby toes.
We get to share about 10 silent minutes of snuggle time, just the two of us.... 
every night.
...and thats what works for us.
It makes him comfortable, he sleeps well, 
and it's what I look forward to at the end of everyday.
When he's 15 years old, nobody will ask him,
how old he was when he started sleeping through the night,
or when he stopped drinking a bottle.
or how old he was when he started using the "potty"
and he surely won't still be sleeping in our bed.
It won't matter then, and it doesn't matter now.

I know that all I have is right now.
I do my best to enjoy each moment as it comes,
moments when he stands to close to the tv while watching Mickey Mouse...
the way he runs into my arms with a great big toothy grin and hugs me tight...  
all the times he squishes his food, and then wings it at the floor...
I always laugh at the way he picks things up with two fingers...
as if he were going to sip tea from it. 
I dont mind that I have the kid who the eats leaves and sticks and sand at the beach.
I adore his pudginess, and how he runs with his whole body...
arms flailing, cheeks jiggling, and all.
The unsteady caution he uses when climbing on and off the furniture...
His crazy Einstein hair in the morning...
The sound of his little voice when he says Ma-ma, melts my heart.

All the little ways he is growing into his own person
All of the sweet adorable things about him
These moments, wont last forever...
I figure instead of trying to hurry it along, and ask questions...
When will he_____?
I can't wait until he can _______?
Why can't he_______yet?
I am just going to enjoy him.
Because there will come a day when he wont want his Mommy to play with him anymore,
he won't run to the door to greet me when I come home,
and yet, there are days when all I think about is how much laundry and dishes 
I should be doing instead of playing...
But- just for today, I can forget about everything else, and remember to enjoy these fleeting moments.

"A baby fills a hole in your heart that you never knew was there."

Author: Unknown



Thursday, April 12, 2012

"we have ceased fighting everything and everyone"

Except for myself!  I fight myself more than anyone else.
The title of this post comes from the big book.
In case anyone was wondering about the quotations.  I know I use them a lot.  
Mostly improperly, but whatever.

Thank you Jesse for encouraging me to write about this, even though I didn't want to.
If I waited until I wanted to, this blog would not exist.
I love the people I have in my life today,they encourage me to be better, and keep me strong.

Alright, enough stalling already....
I do not like the topics that often arise in my consciousness.  (Said that before.)
They don't always look pretty.
And I like to look pretty.  I want everything to always look pretty.
I want everything on the outside to look good, so people think I have it together.
As a result the inside has been neglected.
Sometimes things just don't look pretty, that is life.

I don't want to use the phrase I am having problems in my marriage, but instead......
I have encountered difficulties.
Which is no secret to some of you reading this.
Difficulty, balancing my time, between being a wife, and being a mommy.
You see, I know how to be a wife, and I know how to be a mommy.
But to do both at the same time??  What an order!!!!!
I have not successfully balanced that act quite yet.
I am actually kinda bad at it.
Because I am mommy- most of the time.
and wife, least of the time.
Herein lies the difficulty, and my relationship with my husband has suffered.
But it has not gone unnoticed, and we are taking steps to make changes, 
and reconnect again.
Because sometimes it feels like we are playing on different teams.
Our lives were all about each other and ourselves, and what we wanted 
when we wanted it.
Hey, life was grand huh???!!!
And all that changed, literally overnight.
And I don't think either of us were prepared for it. 
But how can you see, what you can't see coming??
You can't.
We used to go to the movies, every weekend.
We went to dinner when ever we wanted at what ever time we felt like going.
We went bike riding in Venice until 4 in the morning.
We rented all the movies we didn't see in the theater, or that were not "theater worthy".
We stayed out late watching UFC fights and playing poker.  Losing mostly, but it was awesome.
We ate at fancy restaurants, and bought shoes- all the time!!
We slept in, and stayed up late................


Needless to say, our time, our priorities, and our finances have changed.
I had 40 weeks to mentally prepare for this life change.
It was real to me the moment our at home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines.
I think it took him a bit longer. 
I was ready to give up what ever it was, to make sure my little baby could have the best life possible.
Even if that meant giving up my time with friends, with family, and eventually time with my husband.
But one of the most important things to me in raising my child,
is setting an example of love, marriage, and family.
And we cannot be that example if we are not on the same page.
Because our relationship is the first one he is going to see, and I want it to be a good one.
I want him to see us being kind, and speaking kindly to each other.
And of course no home is exempt from conflict.  Not even ours.
But I believe it is an opportunity to show him, that it be resolved responsibly,
without yelling and without swearing.
That people are going to disagree and argue, and its okay,
and there is NO reason that it cannot be done respectfully.
To say it has been hard would be an understatement.
It has been really hard, and I have cried a lot.
But I have held onto hope, that everything would fall into place, just as it should, when it was time.
Because I am not willing to give up, and I miss having him as my best friend.
It has been hard to be patient with my husband, while he realized and accepted
that our life is never going to be the same again.
It has been hard to watch him struggle, while I graciously welcomed it.
Because I told myself it meant he didn't love us.
And I know that is absolutely 100% false.
But I was angry, and when I am angry, I am full of fear, and I am not rational.
And whether we planned to have a baby or not, (just for the was very planned)
It is more than okay to grieve your old life......
It is expected.
It does not mean you love your child any less.
It only means you are being honest with yourself, and embracing your change.
You cannot move on from any loss without having grieved the loss first.
That is my experience.
We are currently seeing a marriage and family therapist..... and it's helping.
It gives us a safe space to talk, and to hear each other.
To resolve issues from a point of peace, and clarity, instead of during the heat of an argument.
It gives us fresh ideas, and new perspective.

Since I am still walking through, 
I don't have any other conclusion that this, 
I have learned a few things.....
Be patient with each other, this is new territory, treat it as such, there is nothing that you "should" know.
Have a date night, as often as possible.
Grieve your old life.
Talk to other moms
and don't be afraid to ask for help.   

    "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, 
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
    ~Sam Keen

I love you babe.  
You are my favorite person in the whole world.

With all my heart, 

Misty Marie

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Blessed With Struggle

To answer the question that I was asked today about why I haven't blogged lately.....
the answer was given very quickly...."writers block".
Sounds good right??
Well essentially.... it is false.
I was not willing to own the real reasons:
1)  I haven't liked the topics or experiences that have come up enough to put them on paper...
let alone look at them.
So I would brainstorm....and the same things kept coming up, so I have surrendered.
I am going to go with it.
2)  The other is because I think my blog is not going to be as fabulous as hers
or as inspiring as hers.
Comparison thieves my joy every time,
and I resent it, every time.
I started writing again for this reason, you can read about it..... here.
Sometimes it will be inspiring, or helpful, but that is not my only aim.

There have been many blessings this year, as well as struggles.
My struggles keep me strong, as my blessings keep me grateful.
To name a few:
In early December, I was blessed with struggle of being laid off, yet again....
Blessed with a struggle...what a concept.
I believe ALL struggles are blessings in disguise.  I just can't see them right away.
I was blessed because it meant I could stay home with son even if just for a little while...
What an amazing precious gift that I surely did not see coming.
My beautiful baby boy turned one year old on Feb 3rd and we took him to Disneyland.
I was blessed with news that  my sister and cousin are expecting their first babies this year!!
and finally: I am still struggling with my management and concept of money.
I have started the course I spoke about in this post.
Heal your money Karma...I am on week two, and its helping.
It gives me clear direction as to what to do and say when I encounter a situation
and anxiety arises....
It says:
Pause (wow that is rough because I am an impulsive spender to stop and think takes gallant effort)
Breath (okay that's easy enough)
Mantra "May my money wisdom increase".
So I have been practicing that.
Because everything that has to do with bills, spending money, saving money, counting money, making grocery lists, replacing something, going out to dinner, buying very painful for me.
I have this insane concept...that I have to save it ALL or it will be gone.
Just as I save....I have the other equally insane idea...that something will come up and the important things
like the bills or the rent wont get paid, so then I spend it all, so there is none left for that to happen.
Thus rendering my first concept true....
Its all I think.

Do you follow??
Yes it is completely absurd set of concepts, but who ever said fear was rational??
In my experience it is absolutely and insanely irrational in every sense of the word.
But I get caught up in the whirlwind of the "what if's" and "should have done's"

I do this week after week, month after month, year after year.
But the money is never gone...
I am told I have an endless supply.
If I think about's true, it is continually flowing in.
and I always have everything I need,  and most of the bills are always paid on time
but some I have let slip through the cracks and are in collection.
That is my truth.
That is my biggest and worst fear, and the demon that I struggle with daily.
I have almost accepted it.
Everyone's demons are different....and I am not sure that I would want someone else's instead of mine.
I guess this one works for me.
Today, because I am responsible, and I can work toward my goal of being financially free.
Which does not necessarily mean becoming debt free.
To me it means this...
Not allowing money to:
-serve as a burden and weigh heavily on my heart and my life
-influence my mood
-determine my happiness
My goal is to accept it for what it is, peace experienced through material.
It's not like soda or sweets, where if you can just stay away from them you'll be okay.
It is something I will use the rest of my life.
So change must take place....
and I think I am ready...
I know for sure at least that I am willing.
I have prayed for help and direction in this area of my life.
This writing is part of my healing.
Letting go of what people may think...
Letting go of what I might think...
and trusting that everything will work out EXACTLY as it should.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

~Philippians 4:13 

with love,