Saturday, February 25, 2012

Blessed With Struggle

To answer the question that I was asked today about why I haven't blogged lately.....
the answer was given very quickly...."writers block".
Sounds good right??
Well essentially.... it is false.
I was not willing to own the real reasons:
1)  I haven't liked the topics or experiences that have come up enough to put them on paper...
let alone look at them.
So I would brainstorm....and the same things kept coming up, so I have surrendered.
I am going to go with it.
2)  The other is because I think my blog is not going to be as fabulous as hers
or as inspiring as hers.
Comparison thieves my joy every time,
and I resent it, every time.
I started writing again for this reason, you can read about it..... here.
Sometimes it will be inspiring, or helpful, but that is not my only aim.

There have been many blessings this year, as well as struggles.
My struggles keep me strong, as my blessings keep me grateful.
To name a few:
In early December, I was blessed with struggle of being laid off, yet again....
Blessed with a struggle...what a concept.
I believe ALL struggles are blessings in disguise.  I just can't see them right away.
I was blessed because it meant I could stay home with son even if just for a little while...
What an amazing precious gift that I surely did not see coming.
My beautiful baby boy turned one year old on Feb 3rd and we took him to Disneyland.
I was blessed with news that  my sister and cousin are expecting their first babies this year!!
and finally: I am still struggling with my management and concept of money.
I have started the course I spoke about in this post.
Heal your money Karma...I am on week two, and its helping.
It gives me clear direction as to what to do and say when I encounter a situation
and anxiety arises....
It says:
Pause (wow that is rough because I am an impulsive spender to stop and think takes gallant effort)
Breath (okay that's easy enough)
Mantra "May my money wisdom increase".
So I have been practicing that.
Because everything that has to do with bills, spending money, saving money, counting money, making grocery lists, replacing something, going out to dinner, buying very painful for me.
I have this insane concept...that I have to save it ALL or it will be gone.
Just as I save....I have the other equally insane idea...that something will come up and the important things
like the bills or the rent wont get paid, so then I spend it all, so there is none left for that to happen.
Thus rendering my first concept true....
Its all I think.

Do you follow??
Yes it is completely absurd set of concepts, but who ever said fear was rational??
In my experience it is absolutely and insanely irrational in every sense of the word.
But I get caught up in the whirlwind of the "what if's" and "should have done's"

I do this week after week, month after month, year after year.
But the money is never gone...
I am told I have an endless supply.
If I think about's true, it is continually flowing in.
and I always have everything I need,  and most of the bills are always paid on time
but some I have let slip through the cracks and are in collection.
That is my truth.
That is my biggest and worst fear, and the demon that I struggle with daily.
I have almost accepted it.
Everyone's demons are different....and I am not sure that I would want someone else's instead of mine.
I guess this one works for me.
Today, because I am responsible, and I can work toward my goal of being financially free.
Which does not necessarily mean becoming debt free.
To me it means this...
Not allowing money to:
-serve as a burden and weigh heavily on my heart and my life
-influence my mood
-determine my happiness
My goal is to accept it for what it is, peace experienced through material.
It's not like soda or sweets, where if you can just stay away from them you'll be okay.
It is something I will use the rest of my life.
So change must take place....
and I think I am ready...
I know for sure at least that I am willing.
I have prayed for help and direction in this area of my life.
This writing is part of my healing.
Letting go of what people may think...
Letting go of what I might think...
and trusting that everything will work out EXACTLY as it should.

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

~Philippians 4:13 

with love,