Thursday, April 12, 2012

"we have ceased fighting everything and everyone"

Except for myself!  I fight myself more than anyone else.
The title of this post comes from the big book.
In case anyone was wondering about the quotations.  I know I use them a lot.  
Mostly improperly, but whatever.

Thank you Jesse for encouraging me to write about this, even though I didn't want to.
If I waited until I wanted to, this blog would not exist.
I love the people I have in my life today,they encourage me to be better, and keep me strong.

Alright, enough stalling already....
I do not like the topics that often arise in my consciousness.  (Said that before.)
They don't always look pretty.
And I like to look pretty.  I want everything to always look pretty.
I want everything on the outside to look good, so people think I have it together.
As a result the inside has been neglected.
Sometimes things just don't look pretty, that is life.

I don't want to use the phrase I am having problems in my marriage, but instead......
I have encountered difficulties.
Which is no secret to some of you reading this.
Difficulty, balancing my time, between being a wife, and being a mommy.
You see, I know how to be a wife, and I know how to be a mommy.
But to do both at the same time??  What an order!!!!!
I have not successfully balanced that act quite yet.
I am actually kinda bad at it.
Because I am mommy- most of the time.
and wife, least of the time.
Herein lies the difficulty, and my relationship with my husband has suffered.
But it has not gone unnoticed, and we are taking steps to make changes, 
and reconnect again.
Because sometimes it feels like we are playing on different teams.
Our lives were all about each other and ourselves, and what we wanted 
when we wanted it.
Hey, life was grand huh???!!!
And all that changed, literally overnight.
And I don't think either of us were prepared for it. 
But how can you see, what you can't see coming??
You can't.
We used to go to the movies, every weekend.
We went to dinner when ever we wanted at what ever time we felt like going.
We went bike riding in Venice until 4 in the morning.
We rented all the movies we didn't see in the theater, or that were not "theater worthy".
We stayed out late watching UFC fights and playing poker.  Losing mostly, but it was awesome.
We ate at fancy restaurants, and bought shoes- all the time!!
We slept in, and stayed up late................


Needless to say, our time, our priorities, and our finances have changed.
I had 40 weeks to mentally prepare for this life change.
It was real to me the moment our at home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines.
I think it took him a bit longer. 
I was ready to give up what ever it was, to make sure my little baby could have the best life possible.
Even if that meant giving up my time with friends, with family, and eventually time with my husband.
But one of the most important things to me in raising my child,
is setting an example of love, marriage, and family.
And we cannot be that example if we are not on the same page.
Because our relationship is the first one he is going to see, and I want it to be a good one.
I want him to see us being kind, and speaking kindly to each other.
And of course no home is exempt from conflict.  Not even ours.
But I believe it is an opportunity to show him, that it be resolved responsibly,
without yelling and without swearing.
That people are going to disagree and argue, and its okay,
and there is NO reason that it cannot be done respectfully.
To say it has been hard would be an understatement.
It has been really hard, and I have cried a lot.
But I have held onto hope, that everything would fall into place, just as it should, when it was time.
Because I am not willing to give up, and I miss having him as my best friend.
It has been hard to be patient with my husband, while he realized and accepted
that our life is never going to be the same again.
It has been hard to watch him struggle, while I graciously welcomed it.
Because I told myself it meant he didn't love us.
And I know that is absolutely 100% false.
But I was angry, and when I am angry, I am full of fear, and I am not rational.
And whether we planned to have a baby or not, (just for the was very planned)
It is more than okay to grieve your old life......
It is expected.
It does not mean you love your child any less.
It only means you are being honest with yourself, and embracing your change.
You cannot move on from any loss without having grieved the loss first.
That is my experience.
We are currently seeing a marriage and family therapist..... and it's helping.
It gives us a safe space to talk, and to hear each other.
To resolve issues from a point of peace, and clarity, instead of during the heat of an argument.
It gives us fresh ideas, and new perspective.

Since I am still walking through, 
I don't have any other conclusion that this, 
I have learned a few things.....
Be patient with each other, this is new territory, treat it as such, there is nothing that you "should" know.
Have a date night, as often as possible.
Grieve your old life.
Talk to other moms
and don't be afraid to ask for help.   

    "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, 
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
    ~Sam Keen

I love you babe.  
You are my favorite person in the whole world.

With all my heart, 

Misty Marie