Thursday, April 12, 2012

"we have ceased fighting everything and everyone"

Except for myself!  I fight myself more than anyone else.
The title of this post comes from the big book.
In case anyone was wondering about the quotations.  I know I use them a lot.  
Mostly improperly, but whatever.

Thank you Jesse for encouraging me to write about this, even though I didn't want to.
If I waited until I wanted to, this blog would not exist.
I love the people I have in my life today,they encourage me to be better, and keep me strong.

Alright, enough stalling already....
I do not like the topics that often arise in my consciousness.  (Said that before.)
They don't always look pretty.
And I like to look pretty.  I want everything to always look pretty.
I want everything on the outside to look good, so people think I have it together.
As a result the inside has been neglected.
Sometimes things just don't look pretty, that is life.

I don't want to use the phrase I am having problems in my marriage, but instead......
I have encountered difficulties.
Which is no secret to some of you reading this.
Difficulty, balancing my time, between being a wife, and being a mommy.
You see, I know how to be a wife, and I know how to be a mommy.
But to do both at the same time??  What an order!!!!!
I have not successfully balanced that act quite yet.
I am actually kinda bad at it.
Because I am mommy- most of the time.
and wife, least of the time.
Herein lies the difficulty, and my relationship with my husband has suffered.
But it has not gone unnoticed, and we are taking steps to make changes, 
and reconnect again.
Because sometimes it feels like we are playing on different teams.
Our lives were all about each other and ourselves, and what we wanted 
when we wanted it.
Hey, life was grand huh???!!!
And all that changed, literally overnight.
And I don't think either of us were prepared for it. 
But how can you see, what you can't see coming??
You can't.
We used to go to the movies, every weekend.
We went to dinner when ever we wanted at what ever time we felt like going.
We went bike riding in Venice until 4 in the morning.
We rented all the movies we didn't see in the theater, or that were not "theater worthy".
We stayed out late watching UFC fights and playing poker.  Losing mostly, but it was awesome.
We ate at fancy restaurants, and bought shoes- all the time!!
We slept in, and stayed up late................


Needless to say, our time, our priorities, and our finances have changed.
I had 40 weeks to mentally prepare for this life change.
It was real to me the moment our at home pregnancy test showed 2 blue lines.
I think it took him a bit longer. 
I was ready to give up what ever it was, to make sure my little baby could have the best life possible.
Even if that meant giving up my time with friends, with family, and eventually time with my husband.
But one of the most important things to me in raising my child,
is setting an example of love, marriage, and family.
And we cannot be that example if we are not on the same page.
Because our relationship is the first one he is going to see, and I want it to be a good one.
I want him to see us being kind, and speaking kindly to each other.
And of course no home is exempt from conflict.  Not even ours.
But I believe it is an opportunity to show him, that it be resolved responsibly,
without yelling and without swearing.
That people are going to disagree and argue, and its okay,
and there is NO reason that it cannot be done respectfully.
To say it has been hard would be an understatement.
It has been really hard, and I have cried a lot.
But I have held onto hope, that everything would fall into place, just as it should, when it was time.
Because I am not willing to give up, and I miss having him as my best friend.
It has been hard to be patient with my husband, while he realized and accepted
that our life is never going to be the same again.
It has been hard to watch him struggle, while I graciously welcomed it.
Because I told myself it meant he didn't love us.
And I know that is absolutely 100% false.
But I was angry, and when I am angry, I am full of fear, and I am not rational.
And whether we planned to have a baby or not, (just for the was very planned)
It is more than okay to grieve your old life......
It is expected.
It does not mean you love your child any less.
It only means you are being honest with yourself, and embracing your change.
You cannot move on from any loss without having grieved the loss first.
That is my experience.
We are currently seeing a marriage and family therapist..... and it's helping.
It gives us a safe space to talk, and to hear each other.
To resolve issues from a point of peace, and clarity, instead of during the heat of an argument.
It gives us fresh ideas, and new perspective.

Since I am still walking through, 
I don't have any other conclusion that this, 
I have learned a few things.....
Be patient with each other, this is new territory, treat it as such, there is nothing that you "should" know.
Have a date night, as often as possible.
Grieve your old life.
Talk to other moms
and don't be afraid to ask for help.   

    "You come to love not by finding the perfect person, 
but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
    ~Sam Keen

I love you babe.  
You are my favorite person in the whole world.

With all my heart, 

Misty Marie


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  2. Are you so awesome??? yep, I think so. You are on the right path and you have made a couple of comments that are so vital.... that your life would never be the same , after a baby. This is so true...building a family is an enrichment process, as you already know. We think we understand and enjoy love with our partners before a bby, but then there's the Love that just opens your heart so much the love is greater when we see & experience Motherhood. It's the kind of Love/Joy that brings tears to your eyes when your child does something sweet, or darling. This Love/joy is life long with your child...even when they become adults. Something I've learned in building a family and in recovery I've tried to build a few and I've had a few blow-up in my face.... I have learned to interact with my partner the way I would like to be treated, with kindness, funny stuff, jokes, lovingly and yes sometimes even when I'm extremely angry. I have learned to " Think" before I speak, "reflect" before I take action...and this for me is huge, because I used to be a lot like a tornado...category f5.. shred everything..other peoples feelings, verbal abuse, etc. Today....just for today...I can be pleasant, I can mind my own business, I can think, stop look and listen. Instead of building a mountain out of a molehill or throwing emotional fuel on a spark...I can be kind to myself ..first and then make a conscious decision on how I "interact" vs. react. life is a "learn as you go" process and each day a gift. You are an incredible young woman, courageous and beautiful...thank you for inviting me to your blog.

    1. Thank you so much for your comment!! Thank you for reading and stopping by!
      xoxo, Misty

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  5. Misty,
    You have shared the feelings that every couple I've EVER known with their first child experience and usually internalize. Yet, as in all experiences that we name them personal and unpleasant, human conditioning results in a tendency to feel alone, ashamed and somehow uniquely bad for having what is actually a collective experience..The words "ought to" "should and should not" and "supposed to" are projected "out" or "in" as self-incrimination or blame. And most sadly, those feelings are kept a festering secret and we and everyone we could touch with the gift of authenticity thereby lose the expereince of seeing that they are shared responses without any qualities but those we unwittingly attach. The result...the ensuing thoughts - all inaccurate - are believed more deeply. All of this, in such cases, is a lie perpetuated.

    Not so here.

    The "beast" has been unveiled and seen to be a frightened field mouse - scampering for cover from from the beautiful light. Keep writing and shining, oh Beauteous One! Keep loving and witnessing and sharing. You and Scott are so very lucky.
    *. *. *
    Blessed be those who are cracked, for the cracks are where the light shines through.

  6. Oh Misty! That was absolutely beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for being open and honest- I literally got tears in my eyes as I read. Thank you for paving the way for us inexperienced single ladies. There is no doubt in my mind that you two cherish each other, and I look up to you and your family. I'm so grateful I get to witness you and your life blossoming. Love you!!!!