Sunday, September 30, 2012

turning over my will

It has been an interesting month to say the very least.
"I am too busy"  "I am so tired" and "I don't have time" are my go to sayings these days.
But that's how I feel.
Overwhelmed with life, one day at a time.
My son turned a whopping 19 months old, Scott and I had our 33rd birthdays, 
and we celebrated 5 years of being married.
Much to celebrate, and much to be grateful for.
But things happen.
Things that cloud my ability to see the silver lining.
We were in the process of working with a lender to secure a loan for our future home-
when Scott inured his knee at work.
He has had many trips to the doc, scans, MRI's, and X-rays.
It has been determined that he will need reconstructive surgery, since he tore all 3 tendons in his knee.
He will be out of work for 4-6 weeks.
His pay will only be partially covered by workers comp funds, 
then I overshot the budget for this month, so we are in the red.
Now I have more financial fear than I can handle at the moment.
To add to my already fragile state.....
My Uncle suffered a massive heart attack while on vacation, and the week after my 9 year old niece had a seizure before she was about to leave for school.
At which point I said... I cannot take one more injury or crisis.
Oh and then!!!  Logan has decided to wake up at the crack of dawn every morning 
(4am for the record) for the past 2 weeks, and doesn't always want to go back to sleep,
he now protests each and every diaper change, so he wiggles and whines 
during the entire process,
he has a new obsession with pens and anything else other than toys,and writes on everything including himself.
in addition to this mischief he takes every single spoon he can reach out of the kitchen drawer, and will unravel the entire roll of toilet paper when he gets the chance,
he also enjoys munching on q-tips he finds in the bathroom trash.
I have taken on a majority of the housework and caring for Logan 
since Scott hurt his knee.
To add to my misery, my morning commute takes me an hour or more and 
I am lucky if I make it home before 6pm.
So when I say there is no time, and I am so busy and tired.
Its a pretty true statement.
It's hard.
Very hard.
I lose my patience,
I feel like giving up,
I get angry,
I whine,
I complain,
I don't understand!!!
This was not my "plan"
(Laughing out loud)
But such is life.
John Lennon once said "Life is what happens while you are busy making plans" or something like that.
and LIFE sure has gotten the better of me these days.
But recently I was asked to keep in mind this juicy question:
How do I turn my will and life over to the power of God as I understand him,
and just what does that look like?
What a perfect question and what impeccable timing.
Well, sometimes it looks like surrender.
And other times it looks like protest.
But most of the time it looks like and feels like this:
Moments that are clearly out of my control, I have this obsession to try and control them, as if I have the power to change it, when most of the time I don't, but it doesn't stop me from trying.
So turning my will and life over, is simply my ability or inability for that matter, to let go
to let things be as they are without protest.
To remember, this moment is exactly as it should be.
Because while in protest or self will, I am not kind, I am not loving, 
and I am surely not helpful.
I am not the person I want to be when I am trying to make things go according to the plan.
Like at this very moment, like RIGHT NOW!!
Scott has just asked to use the computer in the middle of my very private 
very personal writing time.
How dare he??!!  (I know)
Because he wanted to update his iphone.
Which he did not back up the pictures by the way, and lost them all when they were restored to factory settings.
Its not even my phone, and I was furious.
You idd!!!  (Short for idiot we say idd) 
What do you mean you didn't back them up first??!! What is wrong with you??!!!
Yeah that just happened.

Anyways, back to my story...
Turning my will over can also looks like this:
Trusting that all of these things are happening according to a bigger plan that I am not able to see at the moment.
And that all these things must happen in order to achieve the greater good.
The universe does not work against me, ever.
I know that in my greatest times of struggle, is when I grow the most.
Because there is no better feeling than hanging on, and making it through.
It gives you strength, wisdom, and hope for next time.
Amidst this craziness, I have managed to take some time for myself,
and read,
call a friend,
write a letter,
I even made it to bed early a few nights in a row (which for me is before 10 o'clock)
and sometimes the best I can do is just an extra long hot shower.
The little things I do to preserve my sanity are what keeps me going.
They may not be big things yet, but I am working on it.
Taking more time to myself to do....whatever.
Because I can't give it away if I ain't got it.

I will leave you with some inspiration...
courtesy of Pinterest
Pinterest is the shiz y'all.  If you haven't yet, check it out....


Misty Marie


  1. Wow! Misty! I can't begin to explain how this spoke to me! First of all, I'm really sorry about Randi and your niece. I hope they both have smooth recoveries; same goes for Scott. Gosh, doesn't it suck sometimes- how everything seems to happen at once? I had one of those weeks last week. I'm still recovering. In short, I had a medical procedure (down there) done and was in an extreme amount of pain that I didn't anticipate. There were days when all I did was cry. The physical pain combined with my emotional response to it all was overwhelming. I had to take a couple days off from work (and I was also in the red) and just take it easy. Thankfully, the guy I've been seeing was very comforting but he's going through something of his own now, so there's been some uncomfortable distance between us. To top it off, my first day back to work after all of this, my dog bled all over me and I had to rush her to the emergency pet clinic. I had to borrow money (which I absolutely hate doing; and from my boss, no less- who has already been very gracious by affording me all this time off), and my dog's condition was very serious. They had to keep her overnight and all day the next day; they finally sent her home with 3 different medications, special food, and very strict instructions that require something every couple of hours. I've been monitoring her like crazy- anytime she disappears from sight, I immediately think she's puking or something. Thankfully, she's just gotten better. I've slowly been nursing her back to health and the vet is very confident she will be okay. This weekend, when I should have been resting, I cleaned the house (for some extra cash from my roommate) and it took me the entire weekend because of all of the breaks I had to take. Anyway, today is a new day. I'm feeling better, my dog is doing better... it will just keep getting better. But I am definitely in financial fear, fear of possible complications to my medical procedure (email/call me and I'll give you the details), fear of my dog accidentally eating something she's not supposed to eat, fear of what's happening in terms of my romantic relationship... ughh. Its a lot to handle. And the phone just hasn't stopped ringing (between concerned family and friends, and program people and sponsees), and my sponsor just gave me permission to turn off the phone and take care of Jesse today. Why is that so hard to do sometimes? I feel like people depend on me and I worry about the calls building up and hurting feelings... to which my sponsor responded, "stop being a martyr." LOL! Anyway, thanks for reading. I guess I needed to just vent too. Thank you for creating this space to do that. Today, I am just going to focus on what's in front of me. I am not going to worry about the future. I am going to surrender (which today, looks a lot like protest lol) to God and the universe and the powers that be.... and just breathe. xoxo

  2. I love you Jess!!!! You are one of my inspirations in life, and for writing this blog. I love you.