Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Sharing the Love

I was sitting at a meeting tonight...and Scott pointed out the girl in front of us is one of our friends from Highschool's little sister.  Remember her?  Oh yeah, she was so young, like yay high.  I thought to myself, wow she is beautiful!!!  Half way through the evening she turned around and waved hello, I waved back and smiled.  When the meeting is over, she comes over and says "Hi, do you remember me?"  "Yes vaguely, you were so little, and it was so long ago"  {Vaguely??!! Did I really say that?}  I think I did.  She gave me a hug and said "Wow you are so beautiful, it's really nice to see you."  I was completely caught of guard, how did she know I was thinking that about her?  Then in the most awkwardly modest tone, I thanked her, but I wanted to say it back. I thought, well she said it first I don't want her to think I said it just because she did.  Why do I do that?  This is not the first time it has happened to me.  Shamefully, it has happened a lot, not that I get a ton of compliments all the time kind of thing, but whatever the case maybe, I usually don't say it first, or at all.  This time I really felt it, the tug on my heart, you know the one you wished you would have said what you really felt, but didn't?  I don't do compliments well, I don't do well getting them or giving them, it is something I am working on.  I think it is important to tell others how special they are, even in the smallest ways, and I struggle doing so sometimes.

It's women like this who make me better.  Who teach me.  Who give me courage because they are full of it.  It reminds me, that without everyone else, I am not me.  I don't learn, and I don't grow. I don't become better.  Thank you Katie, for being so full of love, that you shared it with me, so that next time, I will let go of my fear, and remember to share that love too.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Pity Party of 1

So there are moments when I cannot stop thinking about how I am doing this whole Mom thing all wrong.
Everyone else has got it together, except for me.
Sometimes I feel like I am missing a "Mom gene".
Because among other things..... poo and boogers still completely gross me out.
During these times I it this hard for everyone else or just me?
Why can't I seem to find  patience?
Lately, my little sweet boy is somewhat of a little monster.
Now I suppose this is typical of a 2 year old, but....
Now- I new that one day this would happen.
That it was coming, the "terrible two's", but I didn't know what it would feel like.
He will not listen to anything I ask.
I practically have to drag him into the elevator, on the way to the car.
He refuses to have his poop changed.
He throws his food, and sippy cup on the floor... at every meal.
He screams and whines, most of the day.
He is now waking up, not once but twice a night for the past month.
And I am TIRED!!!!
I know I mention that I am tired in almost every post, but GEEZ!!  Can't a girl catch a break?
I cannot remember the last time I was NOT tired.
Probably 3 years ago.
Granted,  he is only 2 years and a couple months, but while I was pregnant
I was up 3-8 times a night anyway.
So going on 3 years, with maybe 5 full nights sleep, not a good combo.
And I am really starting to feel it.
I feel sad, guilty, tired, and depressed.
I feel like I shouldn't feel that way.
I am blessed with a beautiful healthy son, and so many other people have it so much worse. I should be grateful.
And I am, but I can't ignore how I am feeling right now.
And when the pity party rains, it pours.
I start thinking about all the things around the house I need to catch up on
What I am not doing enough of,
What I should be doing more of,
What I am not good at,
How I should be trying harder at this and that.
Blah, blah, blah.
My house always feels like a mess, but all I do is clean, I don't understand how that makes any sense.
He is a little tornado, leaving a trail where ever he goes.
Once again I haven't been making the time for myself.
To recharge, and relax.
But it is really hard to do, its hard to get away, and not too feel guilty while your away, and half the time I am way too exhausted to even get ready and leave the house to go do anything anyways.
I also haven't set foot in a gym in years.
I am sure it would help to do some yoga once in a while.
I also know its time for me to reach out to my higher power and give it away.
I tend to forget about this lovely tool too often.
"Remove my fears, and direct my attention to who you would have me be."
Thats my rant for the day.
Praying for a brighter tomorrow.
How do you de-stress??
I need ideas.