Friday, November 14, 2014

About Depression

Apparently I am dealing with some depression, I have depression, I have a bout of depression, I am still not sure how to define it. 
Not the kind where I had to put my cat to sleep, or they cancelled my favorite reality show, but the real kind. 
The kind that gets worse, and keeps me from doing things I like to do, because I don't feel anything when I do them.   My therapist has confirmed, as of last night.

I was not quite sure what depression entailed, but I was sure I didn't have it. 
I have heard people talk about it, read articles, I have friends who have it, but I still never fully understood the depth of it.
Until now.
And I can tell you, that it is a kind of complete misery, that I have never before felt in my life.
I am angry, and sad, and frustrated, and hopeless all at the same time. 
Depression also tells you that its always been this bad all the time, and that it can never get better, and that nobody cares anyway.
There is a heaviness in my heart, for almost no reason.
I cry over the smallest, most irrational things.  
I have  zero patience most of the time.
I am intolerant, argumentative, and antagonistic.
At times I have been impulsive, and compulsive which is very unlike my character.
I don't trust anyone, and feel like they are against me and trying to hurt me on purpose. 
Things that use to excite me or bring me joy, have become things that I just want to "get it over with."
I feel like I am just going through the motions, hanging on, trying to get through the day. 
Just thinking about having to do things have become difficult and burdensome.
I have a hard time being grateful, and happy for others. 
The other really shitty part, is I have not told ANYONE.
It didn't even really occur to me to, because I kept ignoring these thoughts and feelings, pretending that all is fine, hoping they will pass, and thinking that I am just being dramatic or selfish.

I have known something wasn't right, but I have not been able to figure it out. 
I thought it was just a funk, the moon, PMS, or mercury in retrograde.
But I am relieved to have a name for what I have been experiencing. 
That gives me hope. 
Its not like I woke up one day and I was here.
It was a slow gradual change, which made it really hard to see.
For me it comes in waves, one minute I am doing okay, the next minute, the world is going to end.
It's to the point now, where it is extremely painful and difficult to bear.
Its affecting my life, my relationships, and my work.
From what I have learned the longer a person stays in their depression, the worse it gets, and the harder it is to get out. 
I used to judge this illness as personal unwillingness, lack of proper diet and exercise.
How completely arrogant and naive of me.

I used to think if people would try natural remedies and do things that make them happy and they can be cured.
The part of that I didn't understand is, even when you are doing all these things, and its not working, you start to give up, whats the use in trying to do the things that bring you joy, when they no longer have that effect.
That is the downward spiral.
You stop doing these things, your brain gets used to the decrease in dopamine, and serotonin, and continues to produce less and less of it. 

There is a possible cause in my case, but not always for everyone.  I don't think all cases have a known cause. For about 2 months now I have been on a bio-identical hormone replacement.  Blood tests have revealed abnormally low hormone production across a number of fronts.  After trying a few "natural"things to no avail, I opted for the HR.  I have a Dr. appointment in 2 weeks for follow up, and I have put a call into her about this. I will keep you all posted. 

The other danger is this: 
Now I know what I am dealing with, I can use it as an excuse for everything.  If you only knew how I felt you would do the same.
Yes, those thoughts have already entered my brain.
Justifiable anger, and righteousness are very dangerous places to be.
I do have that awareness, so I have to pay close attention, and be mindful of that.
Even getting dressed in the morning is stressful.  
Add 2 kids to the mix and trying to get out of the house on time, and that is a recipe for disaster.
I thought depression was like the people I saw on medication ads, sad, disheveled, unshowered, and couldn't get out of bed.  
I am sure it looks different for everyone.  

What I have learned of this illness, is that it's encouraged to continue to do things that make me happy even if they don't feel like they are.  
Exercise can help, and get enough sleep- well that one I may need to work on. 
Also talking to others about how I am doing- trust me this is THE LAST thing I feel like doing. 
Getting outside, taking walks, writing, praying, and meditating.

"That for which I have EVER judged another for, I have been blessed to experience myself."
This lesson has happened for me a NUMBER of times in my life.  
I say blessed because anything that has ever brought me intense pain, either physical or mental, has also made room for remarkable growth.
It has allowed for compassion, and empathy. 
Things that are the building blocks of being human.
When I have these towards others it changes my interaction and experience with them.
I know today that I do not have to understand or agree with what they are going through to have that compassion for them, but I didn't use to think so.

That is going to be my focus now. 
I am a know it all sometimes, and you should do it this way because it will make you feel better. 
I am a diagnoser, I know whats wrong with you, and I can help you. 
I certainly don't want to force my "help"or opinion on anyone who doesn't ask for it or want it. 
That has become clear.
I do this in the name of helping them.  I want to help you, you should let me!!!
I asked myself why the other day, why do you want to help others, really?
What is it that you are getting out of it, especially when they are not ready or willing to hear what you have to say? 
That was an interesting question where and who did that come from?
And something answered back: "because it feeds my ego."
But its true.
And that truth hurts. 
By trying to be helpful, I am being unhelpful, unattractive, and unapproachable. 
Sometimes all people want is someone who will listen, without the intent of responding.
Once something has been revealed for me, I can't help but to acknowledge it
and try to do better. 
I have no idea what one has to do with the other, but that is the message that has been revealed during this journey.
And I feel truly blessed to have that awareness today.

 Love, and thank you for listening



  1. Misty this is the first blog post of yours i noticed... and it hit home! you are such an inspiration as i have been dealing with the same thing! you really opened my eyes! Miss you!- Kam

  2. I love this one Misty!! Every judgment I have placed out there has been "blessed" upon me too. I have anxiety and developed an axiety disorder 4 years ago. These things will bring us back to life again by directing our attention back to God and ourselves. I wish we could have some tea together soon. I send you my love darling.

    1. This is so true, what doesn't kills us right? And it brings us closer to God,just what i need right now. Love you girl!!! WE should get tea such a nice idea. Miss yoU!! xoxoxoxo

  3. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Girl I had no idea you had a blog!!! This is so inspirational. My heart feels for you because I used to battle depression since I was a teen until a few years ago. You are such a strong will overcome this. I'll be praying for you! Xoxo

    1. Thank you doll!! I never knew how many people this illness has touched. Its tough. Thank you for your prayers. xoxoxoox